My Chaotic Storm Called Thoughts

My view on life and death

Matthew Bowerman — Wed, 03 Dec 2008 07:48:39 +0000

These last few weeks have been a blur. trying to deal with and accept a close friend’s death is not an easy thing for me. It’s a hard, horrible, painful, demoralizing, heart breaking, heavy burden….. Why did she have to die? because of our free will? because of the evil free will brings? Death has become more real and existent to me than I ever wanted it to be. It scares me. In my life, my friends were the only real family I had. To lose one so close to me breaks my heart and angers me. each day seems dimmer, each step seems heavier. To know I will never talk to her again, never see her again, never hear her laughter again.. She was like a sister to me. I’ve finally accepted her death, but it changes nothing. not my pain, not my tears. It also makes me wonder about my own life. Am I living life? or am I only surviving it? The more I try to break out of my stagnant existence, the more I seem to be dragged inexorably dragged back into it. In reality, I want a simple life, A house, a family, my friends, and thats pretty much it. I want to able to support my family, but money is not a big deal to me. I’ve seen the corruption it causes. and I’ve seen it in me as well. If I can achieve that goal, then I think my life would be complete. All of these complexities people create to justify their existence only dilutes the flavor of life. I think anyway. Death and life. If death never existed, would anyone be able to truly live?

Senses Wondering

Matthew Bowerman — Fri, 28 Nov 2008 05:40:41 +0000

a sense deprived to thee
battling myself in every fashion
indescribably pushing me
I’ve seen nothing
to a heart, it may be something
how can i tell
a surface that can’t explain
a path is made where no one can see
tear down my gate
please leave me in ruin
my heart goes to where it wills
I can’t understand
love is love
with so many forms
at least I understand something

A Lost Mind

Matthew Bowerman — Fri, 28 Nov 2008 05:38:59 +0000

I smile to defeat
I cry to the last
my thoughts lose me
my mind has me
as it tears me asunder
as I battle my demons
tears my heart open to despair
I can’t exist
to my maddening reasoning
to which i know i am
too lost am I
to this fractured world

A Love, to See, What Must, to Be

Matthew Bowerman — Fri, 28 Nov 2008 05:37:31 +0000

Death has come to me
in many different forms
love has abided me
through many different storms
what a sacrifice must be
to love and love again
is a sacrifice to me
a dagger in my heart
pierced straight through
i will sacrifice
for that is what love is to me

Monsters and Games

Matthew Bowerman — Fri, 28 Nov 2008 05:36:01 +0000

monsters and games

makes my eyes go blurry

no sleep and thinking

makes everything go in such a hurry

just standing and listening

to this wide, open world

where I may love fiercely

and live freely

A Butterfly

Matthew Bowerman — Fri, 28 Nov 2008 05:34:07 +0000

This colorful, beautiful butterfly

gliding against the gentle wind

Its presence, unknown to many

a sign that true love is coming

something that brings hope to me

despite the words and painful breaks

I still believe in such a true love

that i could attain someday

no more lies

no more suffering

just like that butterfly on the gentle wind

Chilis

Matthew Bowerman — Fri, 28 Nov 2008 05:33:02 +0000

everyone it seems

is in their own section of the universe

taking care to ignore the sections beyond

in the universe that is Chilis

Bound Freedom

Matthew Bowerman — Fri, 28 Nov 2008 05:30:12 +0000

To be free

in more ways than one

would have me soaring away from you

keeping me bound and locked away

without thought and without nothing to say

your distance keeps me from soaring, from being so free

A Tear to the Sky

Matthew Bowerman — Fri, 28 Nov 2008 05:28:03 +0000

Do you ask for a meaningful existence?

the question thats in the blue sky

never without answer

i wish i knew

a peaceful way

to forget, to live

to escape my monotony

while it blurs all together

a minute, to a day, to a year

Some are trapped forevermore in the nightmare

crying in the prison that be

I hear a voice in the distant

Don’t you know?

Love is the only true escape

At the cross, on my knees, shaking on the inside

i smile through my tears, as I scream out to the world

What a great merciful love God has for me

A Monster Within Me

Matthew Bowerman — Fri, 28 Nov 2008 05:24:35 +0000

the silence in my mind
creeping up in the darkness that abides
in which no way will be kind
living away in such perfect form
hoping they don’t find you
and drag you out from your walls
in this political war
you move like a spider
ensnaring everone
with your manipulation and reason
attempting to control
and yet ends up being controlled
for that is the nature of the illusion of control